we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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