i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
