Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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