The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
