We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
