1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
