I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
