I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
