my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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