After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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