i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
