i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
What drink are we having for lunch?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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