shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
