thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
