So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
