Swine flu. Run for my life!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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