Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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