Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize