is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize