I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
