Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
