I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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