k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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