i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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