I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize