I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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