I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
