i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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