I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize