Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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