I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
