The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
