it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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