we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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