The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
