No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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