At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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