bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
