You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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