Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
