i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
