Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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