Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
