onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hippo gnu deer
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
