my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
