i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize