I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Mom said you looked used
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
