If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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