Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize