my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
