Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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