dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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