Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sext me about skeletons
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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