Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
