I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
