I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
