"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
