Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
