Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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