So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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