I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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