hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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